Sometimes we change the person, the context, the city, the stage of life…
and yet we find ourselves experiencing the same dynamic over and over again
- We fall in love with emotionally unavailable people.
- We give a lot and receive little in return.
- We are afraid of being abandoned and become overly controlling.
- We constantly seek reassurance.
- We adapt to the other person’s needs until we lose sight of our own.
- We avoid conflict, accumulate frustration, and then explode.
- Or we choose relationships in which, once again, we feel that we are not enough, unseen, or unheard.
And so we can ask ourselves:
Why do I keep repeating something that makes me feel bad?
One possible answer can be found in our relational history.
From childhood, through our family experiences, we learn how relationships work: how love is given and received, how distance is managed, how conflicts are dealt with, how much we are allowed to express our needs, and what we have to do to feel accepted.
These learnings can become relational patterns that we carry with us into adulthood. Sometimes they are functional. At other times, they can become dysfunctional and continue to repeat themselves in our relationships, even when a part of us would want something completely different.
This is where we can speak of a family mandate: not necessarily an explicit statement, but a set of expectations, implicit rules, and relational patterns that we have internalized.
- “I have to take care of others.”
- “I must not have needs.”
- “I have to be strong.”
- “If I say what I feel, I will lose the other person.”
- “To be loved, I have to adapt.”
- “Love means sacrifice.”
When these messages become part of the way we relate to others, we may continue to reproduce them without realizing it. And often, we do not consciously choose to repeat the past. We repeat it because it is what we have learned to recognize as familiar. But familiar does not necessarily mean healthy.
Awareness can create a space between what we have learned and what we choose today.
We can begin to observe our patterns and ask ourselves:
- What am I repeating?
- What role do I always take on in my relationships?
- What kind of people do I tend to choose?
- What do I do when I am afraid of losing the other person?
- What need am I trying to meet through this relationship?
- Does this dynamic truly belong to my present, or is it reactivating something from my past?
Breaking a pattern does not mean changing the other person. It means beginning to recognize our own participation in the dynamic, understanding where it comes from, and developing new ways of relating.
We cannot rewrite the family we come from. But we can learn not to allow its scripts to continue automatically writing our relationships.
Awareness is the first step. The possibility of choosing differently is what can interrupt the repetition.
Perhaps change begins right here:
“This relationship feels familiar to me… but is it really what I want?”
Recognizing a pattern is the first step. Understanding its origins and interrupting its repetition can open up the possibility of experiencing relationships differently.
If you would like to explore this journey further, you can contact Dr. Oppioli — tel. +44 7985 420390, oppiolidaniele@gmail.com
Read also: Relationships between people with avoidant and anxious attachment.